Big Bad Brownie – When Getting High Brings Brutal Low

“Each person’s madwoman is different. For you, maybe she’s more like a shadow, following you around, a perpetual reminder of what you’re not.”

– Emily & Amelia Nagoski, “Burnout”

At the risk of TMI, after much deliberation as to whether or not to write about a very unpleasant incident that happened to me in Thailand, I have decided to share this rather personal experience with my blog readers.

You can take from what it what you like: a crazy Thailand travel story…or a cautionary tale about the flippant use of edibles in foreign countries, perhaps?

As a quick bit of backstory, if you have been reading my WWOW blogs for awhile, you may recall a blog I wrote a few years back entitled, “The Madwoman in the Attic.” The blog was about Emily & Amelia Nagoski’s brilliant book, Burnout; The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle.

The blog was about the importance of constructive and useful self talk…versus the far more familiar type of self-talk that most women (and many men) hear in their heads on a daily basis: the negative, nagging, critical voice that loves to remind us of all that we are not – or have not achieved (because of all that we are not).

The authors of the Burnout book went so far as to give that negative, nagging, critical voice in our head a name: “The Mad Woman in the Attic.”

The mad woman in the attic says things to us that we would never dream of saying to a friend (if, that is, we are nice people and care about the impact of our words on others). If we happen to be looking in the mirror, our madwoman in the attic might say, for example: “You are FAT! You need to lose twenty pounds. The cellulite on your thighs is disgusting. Stop eating so many damn cookies!”

Or…perhaps you’ve just put in a huge workday – but only got 80% of your tasks ticked off your mammoth to-do list. The madwoman in the attic might say: “Seriously? Only 80% of your tasks completed…again? What’s wrong with you? You are NOT getting enough done!”

You get the idea. Perhaps you have a madwoman in your attic? I certainly do.

“If you have beaten yourselves up for needing to say no to a friend, that was the madwoman,” explains the Burnout authors. “If you have felt sure that a broken relationship was all your fault, that there had to something more you could have done, that was the madwoman. If you, like so many women we know, have struggled when you look in the mirror, it’s the madwoman you see looking back at you.”

Anyway, I hope that gives you a good idea/recap of the madwoman in the attic.

My madwoman does her best work at 3 am. That’s when she loves to remind me of all that I am falling behind on, have not achieved yet, will probably never achieve, etc. Most of the time, I can usually laugh at her and tell her to go pound sand. Then I do some deep breathing exercises and fall back asleep. In other words, I can handle her. Until, that is, I went to Railay Beach in Thailand a few months ago.

Which brings me to my run-in with the Big Bad Brownie.

Interestingly, it was only in June 2022 that marijuana was legalized in Thailand for broader use and access, including the opening of dispensaries. And let me tell you, there are dispensaries and pot bars on every street corner! Pot is everywhere in Thailand…in every imaginable form. So naturally, my travel buddy, Debbra, and I decided we had better try some 😊

Now, neither of us smoke pot or eat edibles at home very often…so I don’t know why we decided to try some in wild Thailand, for God’s sake. But we did. Or rather, I did.

When the pot cookie we ordered to share was delivered to us…it wasn’t a cookie. It was a brownie. A Very Large Brownie at that. Debbra doesn’t eat much at the best of times, so she had her mouse-sized nibble off one corner. And I ate the rest.

Bad idea. But of course I wouldn’t know that for a few hours – when all the THC finally kicked in…or whatever the heck drug it was that I so piggily devoured. Goodness only knows if it really was just pot in that there Brownie.

Because let me tell you, when the contents of the brownie finally kicked in a few hours later, I was in rough shape. My first clue that perhaps eating a huge pot brownie in Thailand was not the smartest idea was that time…slowed…right…down. It was very disconcerting. I thought hours had passed but when I looked at my watch, only ten minutes had.

Then, when we went to have dinner, I wasn’t even half-way through my sweet & sour chicken when all of a sudden, I could not eat another bite. This was Debbra’s first clue that things were going south for me. I ALWAYS finish my dinner!

I quickly excused myself from dinner and went to leave the restaurant – but I couldn’t remember which way to turn to go back to my bungalow. This wasn’t a good sign either.

I don’t know how I made it back to my bungalow…but after what I thought was hours, I finally found what I was pretty sure was my bungalow and then spent another half hour trying to get the key in the door.

Or so I thought. Because when I finally got inside and looked at my watch, only ten minutes had passed. The rest of the night continued to go downhill…there was certainly no pot-induced laughter or relaxed, mellow vibes. Just paranoia, puking and a horrible sense of dark dread that seemed to be very slowly creeping over me.

It was absolutely awful! Thankfully, I passed out.

But when I woke up at 3 am, guess who showed up? Yup. The madwoman in the attic. And this is when things really went south. The madwoman had her usual nasty negative nelly comments, reminding me of all the things I wasn’t succeeding at. Problem was…in my high-as-a-kite state, I couldn’t handle her. In fact, she seemed to have found a mega-phone! It was like she was shouting at me all my deepest fears and biggest doubts about myself…like anxiety on steroids.

I sat up in bed and looked around.

“This isn’t real,” I said to the walls. “You are not real.”

Thankfully I passed out again fairly quickly. And when I woke up in the morning, the worst of the high had passed.

I don’t know what kind of psychotic reaction I had to whatever drug was in that brownie…but I do know that whatever low I experienced, I am in NO hurry to ever experience again!

But do I regret eating the damn brownie?

Nope.

Here’s why: 

#1. I chalk it up to yet another life experience that taught me a few important lessons.

#2. As a writer, I chose to share my experience with readers…because someone out there might read this story and think twice before taking way too much of an edible.

#3. The incident is fantastic fodder for a short film! Although not much fun to experience in real life…it does make for a fabulous story.

#4. Experiencing a drug-induced dramatic low helps me better understand some of the people I write about, including Ernest Hemingway and Jack Kerouac.

“To regret one’s own experiences is to arrest one’s own development.”

Your turn?

Have you ever had an over-the-top bad experience with any sort of drug or alcohol?

Maryanne Pope is the author of “A Widow’s Awakening.” She also writes screenplays, playscripts & blogs. Maryanne is the CEO of Pink Gazelle Productions and Co-Founder of the John Petropoulos Memorial Fund. To receive her blog, “Weekly Words of Wisdom,” please subscribe here. And be sure to visit our PinkGazelleCards Etsy shop.