Updated Oct 25th, 2024

Don’t Be Penelope – Five Magic Words to Help Become A Better Listener

“The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.”

– Stephen Covey

Interested in becoming a better listener? 

Here are five magic words that might help: It Is Not About You.

Oh! Can you imagine?

Have you ever seen the Saturday Night Live sketch (Sept 2013, 5 min) with Taylor Swift and Kristen Wiig?

It is pretty funny. It is also spot-on…in terms of some people’s ability to make every situation, regardless of the circumstances, about them.

As much as I laughed while watching the skit, I couldn’t help but see myself – and many other people I know – in Penelope. Sure, we may not be quite so over the top 😊 in our efforts to be brilliant (but manipulative) participants in a conversation, but I think that’s what good comedy can do: it takes our human foibles to the extreme, so that we are better able to see where we could…you know, improve upon things a little.

Such as our listening skills.

I’m not entirely sure why this is. Maybe it’s because many people simply cannot shut up long enough to really hear what the other person is saying? Or maybe people simply don’t care what the other person is saying? Or could it be that people just aren’t aware of their less-than-stellar listening skills?

Whatever the reason, this much I know:

To be able to give another person your undivided attention…to truly listen and be fully present in what they are sharing with you – versus patiently (or not so patiently, as is often the case) waiting for them to finish, so you can speak – is a gift.

In fact, I would say it is a rather rare gift…but an extremely important one.

My friend, Kristen, is an outstanding listener. During the roughest time of my life (and in the many years to follow), she patiently – and actively – listened as I painstakingly processed (out loud) my thoughts, feelings and experiences…and everything else in between.

Kristin taught me how to be a good listener. These days, I’m certainly better than I was – but there is still room for improvement.

If you are supporting a friend or family member who is going through a difficult time, here are five simple (but not easy) suggestions for being a better listener: 

1. Remember: it is not about you.
2. Not every experience or story shared has to be matched with one of your own.
3. Not every experience shared has to be one-upped by you.
4. Try to keep your mouth shut and just listen…really listen – with your heart & soul, not your chattering monkey mind & ego.
5. Try asking open-ended questions that have less to do with your curiosity and more to do with helping the person to think in new ways.

Whatever you do, please don’t be a Penelope. We all know one. We’ve probably all been one, at one time or another. And that’s okay…some conversations ARE good Penelope fun! Why I was just swapping glory-day drinking stories with someone the other day 🙂

But there is a time and a place (read the room, people!) and if we find ourselves in the sacred position of being asked to support another person during a crisis, sometimes the best thing we can say…is nothing at all.

The other thing, of course, is that if we learn how to become a better listener ourselves, we are also inadvertently teaching others how to become better listeners. The day will always come when we need a good listener to help us work through whatever it is we are going through. In other words, if we want better listeners in our lives, we have to become better listeners to others…and our own selves 🙂

Maryanne Pope is the author of “A Widow’s Awakening.” She also writes screenplays, playscripts & blogs. Maryanne is the CEO of Pink Gazelle Productions and Co-Founder of  the John Petropoulos Memorial Fund. To receive her blog, “Weekly Words of Wisdom,” please subscribe here. And be sure to visit our PinkGazelleCards Etsy shop.