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Maryanne & the PGP team

Our circumstances change and so do we. The trick, I’m finding, is to pay attention to when a door closes…for perhaps it is only when we truly accept that, can a new one open.

In November 2009, I gave a presentation called Wake Up to Your Dreams to a group of writers about my experience of writing my first book, A Widow’s Awakening. After I had finished speaking, a man asked me to explain in more detail about the ‘awakening’ process…“Because so many people,” he said, “seem to be sound asleep.”

I paused a moment before answering, thinking how best to articulate my perspective on the concept of awakening.

“The day after my husband died,” I said, “I remember noticing how slowly my parents seemed to be speaking to me. In fact, right from the moment I was told of my husband’s fall, it felt like I was functioning on a different level than everyone else…almost as if the shock of his imminent death had launched me into a heightened state of awareness.”

The man who’d posed the question nodded, so I continued. “I remember being really irritated with people in those first few days. It was as if my soul inherently understood the significance of my husband’s death – but everyone else around me just seemed stunned. I felt like screaming, ‘Pay attention to this!’ And it became clear to me very quickly that I had to write a book about the experience.”

“So do you think people need a tragedy, or something really significant, to wake them up,” he asked, “particularly in regards to the importance of pursuing their dreams?”

“No,” I said. “I think there are plenty of people living their dreams simply because they chose to do so and then took the necessary steps to achieve their goals – rather than being forced to do so after experiencing some tremendous loss, tragedy or life-altering event.”

The man shook his head. “I don’t agree. I think most people need a pretty loud wake-up call. It seems to me the vast majority of people are so asleep that they aren’t paying attention to what’s going on around them…or in them.”

In hindsight, I can hear the angels laughing.

For the very next day I got another powerful wake-up call that hurt like the dickens…but it wasn’t in the form of a tragedy. At least, not a real one.

It was a play.

I’m really starting to suspect the universe communicates to us through the mediums that will have the best chance of catching our attention. As a playwright and lover of the theatre, it makes sense that it would be a play that instigated a major life decision.

Maybe it’s a little like listening to the radio…we tend to listen to certain stations, so although we may flip between two or three different ones, the universe likely won’t send us an important news bulletin on a station we never listen to.

At any rate, the play was about a twelve year old girl hiding out in the boiler room of her junior high school. It was a one-act, one-woman play where the actress played four different characters: the twelve year old girl whose parents were recently divorced, the school janitor, the girl’s grandpa and the new wife of the girl’s dad.

The actress playing the four characters put on different masks and outfits and changed her voice and behaviour to convey which character she was, at any given moment. And isn’t THAT a metaphor for how we often live our lives?!

Anyway, about two thirds of the way through the play, the girl was so distraught that she was screaming at us – the audience – about her dreadful experience over the weekend of having to go to her dad’s wedding. She had a ruler in her hand and was waving it at us, as she got angrier and angrier explaining the humiliation of having to wear this horrible dress with a huge bow on her bum.

I howled with laughter at this image. But something didn’t feel quite right. I mean, although I was laughing out loud, it felt as if a whole bunch of emotion was…stuck behind my eyes, in the best way I can explain it.

Then the girl went on to say, through tears, how livid she was at her dad for leaving their family and how lonely her mother would be now and how she wouldn’t get to see her dad very much anymore and how he obviously didn’t care about her feelings…

I wasn’t laughing anymore. I was bawling – and scarcely stopped for two days.

A book must be the axe for the frozen sea within us.

– Franz Kafka

 In my case, the axe was a play.

When the performance ended, you could’ve heard a pin drop in that theatre. I wasn’t the only one impacted. I turned to my mom in the seat beside me. She took one look at the tears streaming down my face.

“What have I done?!” she cried. “Look how hurt you still are over the divorce! What could I have done better? That damn father of yours!”

“Mom,” I said, “let’s go get something to eat.”

My parents divorced when I was six. My dad remarried a couple of years later. The catch was how he told me the news: he picked me up one day and casually announced, over his shoulder to me in the back seat of the car, that he’d got married over the weekend.

Thanks for the invite.

“You cried for days,” my mom told me over dinner after the play. “You were so upset that my boss sent me home from work to care for you.”

I didn’t remember that.

I do know my dad didn’t intend to hurt me. He just made the best decision he could at the time. But looking back on the incident now, I think the best word to describe his behaviour is: indifference.

And I guess I’d buried the pain resulting from that indifference – until an annoyingly effective play brought it to the surface.

After dinner, I went home and cried some more. Although my dad lived with me at the time, he happened to be away that week – which was probably a good thing.

The next morning, I woke up feeling significantly better about that matter, having cried it out of my system. But then I proceeded to start crying again.

“Oh for Heaven’s sakes,” I snapped at the fireplace, “now what’s the problem?”

And in my imagination, I heard a tiny voice whisper, “You can move on now.”

“WHAT?” I yelled.

“IT’S TIME TO MOVE ON!” the voice in my head yelled back, tired of the gentle approach.  “YOU ARE DONE HERE. YOU HAVE DEALT WITH ALL YOU NEEDED TO AND NOW YOU CAN LEAVE.”

I looked around my familiar living room with new eyes. Why am I still living in the same neighbourhood I grew up in? In the same house my husband and I bought? I am a 41 year old widow living with my father in a big city in the prairies. Is this what I signed up for?

For the short term, yes…but now that chapter was coming to a close.

My dad had moved in three years ago and had been a tremendous help to me with my home, yard and dogs during a period when I had a lot of other demands on my time.

So, as I continued to cry my way through that Sunday morning, I realized that even though it had taken my dad thirty-five years to come back to me, in his own way he had…when I needed him most.

Wow.

I guess dislodging all this childhood stuff must have made room for a long-buried dream to bubble to the surface because my next thought wasn’t about the past. It was about my future. And, for the first time since Saturday afternoon, I smiled.

A couple of hours later, I called my mom. “I’m moving to the coast,” I said. “At long last, I’m gonna be a writer by the sea.”

“What?!”

I told her the details I’d worked out so far, including selling my home in the spring.

“Why don’t you just rent it out,” she suggested. “In case you change your mind.”

“Because I’m a widow and my husband’s not coming back,” I heard myself say. “I live in a house for a family and I’m obviously not having one. So why would I want to keep the door open to a life that was slammed shut nearly a decade ago?”

Silence. Then, my mom said softly, “You’re right.”

“I know I am.”

“What about your dad?” she asked. “Where will he go?”

“He’ll be fine,” I assured her. “We’ll find him a new place to live.”

Three months later, my dad moved into his own digs, happy as a clam to be on his own again. Three months after that, I sold my home and moved to a cute little bungalow by the sea.

All because of a play…sure glad I was paying attention.

Maryanne Pope is a playwright, screenwriter and the author of A Widow’s Awakening. Maryanne’s next book, Barrier Removed; A Tough Love Guide to Achieving Your Dreams will be released in Sept 2012. She is the CEO of Pink Gazelle Productions Inc and the Board Chair of the John Petropoulos Memorial Fund.

 By Maryanne Pope

“Gentleness is everywhere in daily life, a sign that faith rules through ordinary things: through cooking and small talk, through storytelling, making love, fishing, tending animals and sweetcorn and flowers, through sports, music and books, and raising kids – all the places where the gravy soaks in and the grace shines through.”

— Garrison Keillor

Sunday May 13^th, 2012

I know it’s not a Monday (the day of the week the Mothering Matters blog goes out) but we couldn’t let Mother’s Day slip by without a mention!

For me, today is a special day because it would’ve been my husband John’s 44^th birthday. So I reckon I have two choices on how to view today:

1)      As a double-loss. John is no longer here to wish Happy Birthday to. Nor do I have a child to celebrate Mother’s Day with – partly by choice and partly by circumstance, as the result of being widowed at 32.

Or

2)      With gratitude for all that I do have – and have had – in my life.

In reality, I’ve experienced both ends of the spectrum over the past few days. I had a good cry the other night and allowed myself to acknowledge how much I still miss him – and to mourn the loss of the life we might have had together.

So, as per the advice in Mitch Albom’s beautiful book, Tuesday’s with Morrie, I stopped and turned to face my feelings. I chose to honour the hurt by letting it make its way to the surface.

I felt it. I expressed it through my tears. Then I let it go…and got back to the regularly scheduled program of viewing my life with gratitude for all that I have — versus dwelling on what I don’t.

For many women, Mother’s Day isn’t a celebration; it’s a minefield…a day to simply try and make it through with a minimum number of meltdowns.

Today, I send out a special prayer to John’s mom — a double-whammy for her — and to all women who have lost a child… or wanted children but didn’t have the opportunity to have them in their life.

I’m also thinking today of all the women whose own mom’s are no longer here.

My mom is 86 now and, I’m pleased to report, finally transforming from a sharp-tongued tiger into a sweet little old lady!

For all those moms out there – traditional and otherwise – we wish you a wonderful day! Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing and whoever you’re with, may the gravy soak in and the grace shine through.

As for me, I’ll be spending the day with my fluffy four-legged friend, Soda, and my Victoria adopted-family

Maryanne Pope is the author of A Widow’s Awakening, the Board Chair of the John Petropoulos Memorial Fund and the CEO of Pink Gazelle Productions Inc. Mothering Matters is a bi-weekly blog series that explores a variety of motherhood and mothering-related topics, issues and perspectives. Please click here to subscribe. 

Protecting the Line

 By Maryanne Pope

The warrior fights because he believes that he is fighting for something good, something positive, something that will improve the quality of the world around him.

— Richard J. Machowicz, Unleashing the Warrior Within

Last month I attended a seminar in Victoria by the trainer, Brian Willis. Brian’s presentation was entitled Harnessing the Winning Mind and Warrior Spirit. The intended audience for this particular seminar was police officers, peace officers and military personnel. I am, of course, none of these.

As a writer, the chance of me getting into a gunfight any time soon is slim.

Interestingly, however, I was the one taking the most notes during the seminar – eighteen pages, to be precise. For a writer, the nuggets of wisdom gleaned were pure gold. And I’ve attended Brian’s seminars multiple times over the years. But every time I hear him speak, I not only learn new things, I’m also reminded of ideas I’ve already learned but have forgotten.

During last month’s presentation, one new component that Brian has implemented into his seminar, since I last heard him speak, was a clip from the John Petropoulos Memorial Fund’s (JPMF) Put Yourself in Our Boots safety video: “The Story of John” part.

Just in case you’re a reader who doesn’t know my background, I was married to John, who was a police officer who died in the line of duty in 2000. John died from brain injuries sustained after a preventable fall at an unsafe workplace, while investigating a suspected break and enter. There was no safety railing in place to warn him of the danger.

After Brian showed the clip from the Boots video, he went on to explain to the group what the JPMF does in terms of raising public awareness about workplace safety issues facing emergency responders – and why our safety messages matter.

“We cannot measure what we prevent,” he said, matter-of-factly. “But let me tell you this, the JPMF is saving lives and preventing injuries.”

So there’s me, in the back row, madly scribbling all this down. I’m the Board Chair of the JPMF, for God’s Sakes – I’m supposed to know this stuff like the back of my hand!

And I do – but hearing someone outside the JPMF articulate it, in such a powerful and succinct way, was extremely insightful.

A little later in the seminar, this quote appeared on the overhead screen:

Spartans excuse without penalty the warrior who loses his helmet or breastplate in battle, but punish with loss of citizenship rights the man who discards his shield. A warrior carries a helmet and breastplate for his own protection – but his shield is for the protection of the whole line.

— Steven Pressfield, Gates of Fire

Clunk…another truth hit home for the writer in the back row.

This is exactly what the police officers who started the John Petropoulos Memorial Fund did (and still do today, along with many other people): they chose to protect the line.

For to them, to have let John’s preventable death go unaddressed would have been akin to discarding their shields – because what happened to John could happen to any police officer.

And then I thought further: what is a police badge but a smaller version of a shield? And how did those police officers start the JPMF? They had memorial pins made that had John’s badge/regimental number on them – and then sold the pins to other officers, friends and family.

Today, the JPMF is a charitable organization that educates people about how and why to make workplaces and roads safer, so as to help ensure emergency responders make it home safely to their families after every shift.

In other words, the JPMF is like a modern-day shield that serves to help protect the line of police officers, firefighters, peace officers, paramedics, etc, so they can do their job.

Here are three ways you can help: 

1. View the safety videos and help spread the word

2. Donate

3. Volunteer

Maryanne Pope is the Board Chair of the John Petropoulos Memorial Fund and the author of A Widow’s Awakening.