published in Grief, Travel by Maryanne | September 29, 2010 | 3 Comments
September 29th, 2010 – Newport, Oregon
Well, hello and a happy Wednesday to you!
Today’s THE day…the 10th anniversary of John’s death. I guess I must have done something right over the past decade because instead of sorrow, loss or regret, what I mostly feel this morning is…gratitude.
If someone had told me on Sept 29th, 2000, that ten years from now, I would be this damn happy, would I have believed them? Yes, I would have, actually. Because I knew that, even in the depths of that initial agony, things would, one day, get better again. I was going to make damn sure of that.
What I didn’t know, thankfully, was just how difficult that journey would be at times…and also that things were going to get a heck of a lot worse before they started getting better – in terms of the hurt, I mean.
But that part of the journey is over.
At the moment, I am in Newport, Oregon, listening to the pounding surf outside our hotel window. Ter and I went for dinner last night at Georgie’s restaurant just down the road. I mention this because my mom and I ate at this restaurant about eight years ago and I remember vividly two things about that night: 1) the crab! and 2) the sunset…it was so spectacular that, I kid you not, once the sun finally dropped down past the horizon, the entire restaurant broke out into applause!
This morning, Terri, Sable and Soda and I are getting ready to hit the road again. Today we’re headed to Florence, Oregon to see the sand dunes. In particular, we’re going to seek out the Honeyman Campground and hopefully access the dunes from there. I have a great picture of John standing on top of one of those massive sand dunes. He’s leaning into the wind, arms wide open…an image of freedom if I ever saw one. I think that shot was taken on a roadtrip we took down here when we were living in Abbotsford – before we were married.
Speaking of freedom, that’s another feeling I am experiencing today. But that’s connected to the gratitude.
I am grateful both for the gifts and lessons John’s life gave me – love/tough love, perseverance, dedication, commitment, passion – as well as the many gifts and lessons his death gave me, which includes financial freedom. Because of the person he was, the relationship we had and what he did for a living, it ended up that his death gave me the opportunity to pursue my dream of writing…which gave me new life.
That’s pretty powerful stuff in the love department – and I am eternally grateful 
Gotta run…the road is waiting!
Maryanne, Sable, Soda & Ter
published in Travel by Maryanne | September 24, 2010 | 3 Comments
Well, these next 10 days are gonna be interesting! I will do my best to blog fairly regularly about the road trip I’m about to embark upon…but the blogs won’t be the usual somewhat-articulate articles that I try to write (by spending hours on!). Instead, this will be writing that’s more on the fly because I’ll be on the road…writing as I go!
Here’s the scoop:
My friend Terri and I – and my dogs, Sable and Soda – are heading south, driving down the west coast of the States. We’ll be starting in White Rock, BC and then crossing the border into Washington, then driving down the Oregon Coast and into Northern California. Our ultimate destination is the Hearst Castle at San Simeon.
Here’s why:
In 1996, John and I did a trip similar to this for our honeymoon. We had a riot! We made it as far as Big Sur, south of San Francisco, before we ran out time and had to turn back.
We were both big fans of Citizen Kane, the famous film by Orson Welles. The film “examines the life and legacy of Charles Foster Kane, played by Welles, a character based upon the American newspaper magnate William Randolph Hearst and Welles’ own life” (Wikipedia).
So John and I wanted to see the famous Hearst Castle (in San Simeon) on that trip because there are some pretty classic scenes in Citizen Kane that were based on that castle (the film wasn’t actually shot at Hearst Castle – in fact William Randall Hearst was, apparently, none too impressed with the reference to his life!).
Anyway, John and I were oh so close to San Simeon but didn’t quite make it…so Terri and I are now completing that journey thirteen years later!
Also, both John and I – and my mom – LOVED the Oregon Coast (not that my mom, John and I were ever there together…oh no, no!) so I think that, if all goes well, Terri and I will be on a sand dune somewhere near Florence, Oregon on Wed Sept 29th – the 10th anniversary of John’s death.Very cool!
Another bit of Maryanne-history for you: Terri and I met back in 1992 while traveling in Indonesia. We traveled again together to Morocco in 2001…she’s the one I went to the Sahara Desert with. In June. When it was fifty flippin’ degrees celsius! That didn’t end well…but I digress.
For THIS roadtrip, as our guide I will be referring to Cameron Tuttle’s classic, The Bad Girl’s Guide to the Open Road. It’s oh so cheeky!
For the record, Terri and I will not be using Eat, Pray, Love as our guidebook…more on this later
However, before embarking on the vacation part of the journey, I am first making a pit stop in Vancouver to do a speaking gig at the BC Lower Mainland Victim Services Conference.
My presentation is called Behind the Scenes; A Grief Deconstructed. It’s one the more difficult presentations for me to give (but not THE most difficult…more on THAT later, too!) because I am so damn candid about the psychological, emotional and impacts John’s death had on me.
The purpose of this presentation is to give those amazing people working in victims services a powerful ‘insider’ look at how I responded to a tragic event. Everyone handles shock, grief, denial, loss, tragedy etc in different ways, of course, but the anguish, hurt and vulnerability are very basic human responses when forced to accept the unacceptable – whatever that might be.
At any rate, I will do my best to keep in touch over the coming days with snippets from the road…till then, take care!
Maryanne
published in Grief by Maryanne | September 22, 2010 | 2 Comments
A Decade of Growth
Like a new forest springing to life after the destruction of a forest fire, the ten years since John’s death have been a period of phenomenal personal growth for me.
Although much of my growth in the early years was done so kicking and screaming, once the tender shoots started to spring up through the charred remains of the previous forest, the growth did get easier…especially once I stopped fighting the process.
Working with the police officers who started the John Petropoulos Memorial Fund to transform it into an organization that successfully raises public awareness about workplace safety issues facing emergency services personnel played a significant role in my coming to terms with – and accepting – John’s death as the result of a preventable fall at an unsafe workplace.
By producing educational tools in the form of five public service announcements and a safety video, the JPMF is not only actively educating people about the various building and traffic hazards facing emergency workers, we also provide people with practical tips they can implement to help ensure police officers, firefighters, paramedics, tow truck drivers, peace officers, etc make it home safely to their families after every shift.
The workplace safety education being done by the JPMF is ensuring that positive change comes from John’s death – and this is extremely important to me. John wasn’t just my husband and best friend – he was also my soul mate. As such, I intuitively knew what had to be done in the wake of his death and because of the commitment of the officers who started – and are still involved with – the JPMF as well as many others along the way, such as the Managing Director, Ian Wilson, I am now at peace knowing that John’s death was not in vain.
My writing is another means by which I found my way through the grieving process. Writing my book, A Widow’s Awakening, helped me find meaning both in John’s death and in my new life. And along the way, I finally figured out why my life dream had always been to be a writer: I love writing!
In fact, I have become a bit of a writing machine over the past decade…learning to write plays, screenplays, short stories and articles. Writing is my passion.
The past ten years have not been easy. At times, the projects I chose to put my time, effort, love and money into have been incredibly frustrating and challenging. It has been an insane amount of hard work with very little financial return…at least in the traditional sense. Because John died in the line of duty, I receive his paycheque – and will do so for the rest of my life.
For many years, I think I felt a deep-rooted guilt about the fact that while John’s dream was to become a police officer, he ended up giving his life protecting a premise that did not need protecting – and because of this, I receive his paycheque, which enables me to pursue my dream of writing. But I’ve come now to understand that the source of one’s paycheque is far less important than what one does for work.
Through the agony of loss, John’s death has taught me that change is inevitable – and that what may seem at first like utter devastation can bring vital new growth.
Maryanne Pope is the Board Chair of the John Petropoulos Memorial Fund and the author of A Widow’s Awakening. Maryanne lives in Sidney, BC with her two dogs.